Children & Grief
Death is a natural part of life, and children, even very young ones, can understand and process loss when it is explained in a gentle, truthful way. Experts agree that shielding children from the reality of death can do more harm than good. Children are naturally curious and need honest answers, delivered in a way they can understand.
Start by asking the child what they already know about the situation. Then explain simply and truthfully. For example: "Grandma’s heart got too tired and stopped working, so she died."
Avoid using phrases that may confuse or frighten them, such as:
- “Grandma went to sleep and won’t wake up.”
- “God took Grandma to be with the angels.”
Though meant to comfort, these can be taken literally and may cause fear. For instance, a child might worry that going to sleep could make the same thing happen to them.
Younger children may ask simple, concrete questions like: “Where is Grandma now?” or “Is my cat in heaven?” Older children and teens may ask more abstract or philosophical questions about faith, life or the meaning of death. Always answer truthfully and in terms that match their level of understanding.
Explaining Death by Age
Ages 2 to 7
Children in this age range often see death as a separation, which can make them feel abandoned or scared. They may fear being alone, resist sleeping alone or show anxiety about going to school.
Young children often express grief through behavior rather than words. You may notice:
- Temper tantrums or defiance.
- Role-playing or creating imaginary worlds.
- Changes in eating, sleeping or toileting habits.
- Bed-wetting or regression in very young children.
- Irritability or sudden refusal to speak.
Ages 7 to 12
Children at this age begin to understand that death is permanent. They may see it as a personal threat and try to protect themselves by being “good” or “brave,” or by seeking reassurance from trusted adults. Others may withdraw emotionally or socially.
Symptoms of grief can include difficulty concentrating, trouble following directions or challenges with daily routines.
Teens
Teenagers understand death similarly to adults, but their ways of expressing grief can differ. Some may act out through risky behaviors, such as reckless driving, smoking, drinking or other dangerous actions — as a way of coping.
It is also important to watch for signs of deeper distress, including thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Warning signs can include:
Preoccupation with death.- Talking about suicide or giving away personal belongings.
- Significant behavioral changes.
Parents and caregivers should monitor teens closely and seek professional counseling if they are concerned about their child’s safety.